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It creates hurdles to healthy development and the building of sense of self. Envy allows the insecure mother to feel temporarily better about herself.When she envies and then criticizes and devalues the daughter, she diminishes the threat to her own fragile self-esteem.The most extreme cases of mother-daughter jealousy appear in families where there is incest.If the father is the offender and the mother becomes jealous of the father-daughter relationship, then she too becomes an offender and she cannot put the daughter first.Most children want to please their parents so if given this mixed message, it is easier and perhaps even safer to do nothing and therefore not expose oneself to criticism.The message from mom is: “if at first you don’t succeed, give up! More complicating is the question of what the father does?One theme was that of mothers being jealous of their daughters.So much so that I included it in what I call the “Ten Stingers” of mother-daughter dynamics when the mother has a high level of narcissistic traits.

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Some Australian Aboriginal languages use avoidance speech, so-called "mother-in-law languages", special sub-languages used when in hearing distance of taboo relatives, most commonly the mother-in-law.

This jealousy is particularly difficult for the daughter as it carries a double-message: “Do well so that Mother is proud, but don’t do too well or you will outshine her.” While many people believe that to be envied would be a desirable, powerful experience, in reality being envied, particularly by one’s own mother, is unnerving and awful.

The daughter’s sense of self is canceled by disdain and criticism.

If this same mother is putting her down, and jealous of her accomplishments, the child not only becomes confused, but often gives up.

Because it is the job of the parent to fill each developmental stage with nurturing, love, support and encouragement, the daughter finds an emptiness that she cannot explain.




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